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OK, so Constantine's an American, and he's played by Keanu Reeves. So, I wasn't exactly expecting this movie to be good or anything. But, I was watching South Park while eating dinner tonight and they're playing clips from the movie during the commercial breaks, hosted by Keanu and his co-star, who plays "Chas, Constantine's youthful sidekick who's following in his footsteps." Yes, that's an exact quote.
Movie clip one:
Constantine is in some guy's apartment. Some guy hands him a sort of sceptre-looking thingy. "Is that Dragon's Breath?" Constantine asks, "I thought you couldn't get it anymore." Takes sceptre thing. "Careful with that," says Mr. Olivander (or whatever the fuck the name is). Keanustatine takes sceptre-thingy, waves it like a magic wand, points it toward the camera, giant burst of flame shoots out.
I shit you not. That's the scene they actually showed. My god, Constantine with a Wand of Fireballs straight out of second-edition Dungeons & Dragons. I almost expected a Crown Royal bag with dice spilling out of it on the table behind him.
Movie clip two:
The Girl says something. Constantine says something. (I don't remember what they said. Rest assured it was vapid and meaningless, but said with as much depth of mystique as either of them could muster). Suddenly the wall behind The Girl collapses away from her, with lots of fire and special effects, and The Girl is sucked into it, flying through the hole like the title character at the end of Alien. Keanu, with a look of grim determination grabs a giant crucifix (yeah, a cross. Constantine goes chasing the The Girl-stealing demon with a cross.) Chases after it, until it gets to the edge of the skyscraper (of course he's up in a skyscraper. Then stops. The end.
Well, the end of the clip, I guess. I'm assuming the movie has more scenes.
On the plus side, the previews have removed any lingering curiousity I might have had that might have compelled me to actually do something stupid like actually see this movie.
You know what would be really cool? If they made a movie out of Hellblazer!
Movie clip one:
Constantine is in some guy's apartment. Some guy hands him a sort of sceptre-looking thingy. "Is that Dragon's Breath?" Constantine asks, "I thought you couldn't get it anymore." Takes sceptre thing. "Careful with that," says Mr. Olivander (or whatever the fuck the name is). Keanustatine takes sceptre-thingy, waves it like a magic wand, points it toward the camera, giant burst of flame shoots out.
I shit you not. That's the scene they actually showed. My god, Constantine with a Wand of Fireballs straight out of second-edition Dungeons & Dragons. I almost expected a Crown Royal bag with dice spilling out of it on the table behind him.
Movie clip two:
The Girl says something. Constantine says something. (I don't remember what they said. Rest assured it was vapid and meaningless, but said with as much depth of mystique as either of them could muster). Suddenly the wall behind The Girl collapses away from her, with lots of fire and special effects, and The Girl is sucked into it, flying through the hole like the title character at the end of Alien. Keanu, with a look of grim determination grabs a giant crucifix (yeah, a cross. Constantine goes chasing the The Girl-stealing demon with a cross.) Chases after it, until it gets to the edge of the skyscraper (of course he's up in a skyscraper. Then stops. The end.
Well, the end of the clip, I guess. I'm assuming the movie has more scenes.
On the plus side, the previews have removed any lingering curiousity I might have had that might have compelled me to actually do something stupid like actually see this movie.
You know what would be really cool? If they made a movie out of Hellblazer!
